Branch Hood: Prince of Troll Thieves
by j.kin
Summary: A Trolls parody of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Branch Hood: Prince of Troll Thieves

Chapter 1: Escaping Death

Trolls is owned by DreamWorks Pictures.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is owned by Warner Bros. Pictures.

 **Disclaimer: There will be religion and violence in this story. So read this at your own risk!**

 _Jerusalem 1194 A.D._

As a man was being tortured for being a prisoner of war, a soldier yelled out

"Show them the courage of Allah!" whispered one soldier.

The prisoner then had his hand chopped off by a soldier. By then there were a whole bunch of prisoners watching, one of them being Branch Hood of Locksley. As he looked on at another man who was black, a soldier interrupted them.

"He says you stole the bread?" A soldier asked one of the prisoners.

"It's a lie! I caught him stealing ours!" The prisoner said as he was weak and had been barely fed.

"Cut off the infidel's hand." The soldier demanded.

"No! I took the bread!" Branch said to the soldier.

"That's not true!" the prisoner said.

"I'm not interested in the truth." Branch reassured the prisoner.

"But he's lying!" the prisoner yelled.

"You're too weak Aspen! You won't live through it!" Branch said, still trying to reassure Aspen.

"As you wish, cut the other one's hand off as well!" The soldier demanded.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry Branch!" Aspen said as the black man was still looking on as they dragged both Branch and Aspen to the stone where they were cutting hands off.

Branch then shoved everybody (except Aspen) as he volunteered to go first. The executioner was getting suspicious as Branch, with his long brown beard and brown and blue hair looked into the eyes of the executioner and knew he wanted to die.

"This is English courage." Branch said with a stern tone as Aspen was starting to cry for his friend as the other executioner took out the sword and prepared to chop off Branch's hand but his hand slipped through at the last second and the 1st executioners hand was chopped off Branch then took out the 2nd executioner by knocking him out. Then Aspen set one of the soldiers on fire as he hit him with a piece of wood making him fall into the burning charcoal. Aspen then yelled:

"This is for 5 years of hell!"

As some men yelled to Branch to free them and take them with him, the black man then yelled:

"Behind you!"

Branch then turned around as he killed one of the soldiers with the stolen sword. As he just stood there and looked at the black man, Aspen yelled to Branch:

C'mon Branch for god sakes! C"MON!"

As they were all screaming and hollering to leave with Branch, he then tried to save one of the men in there, as the black man yelled to Branch:

"You cannot save those people Christian! But you can save me!"

"C'mon Branch! Branch, C'mon!"Aspen tried to get to Branch's head.

As the black man kept yelling to be saved, Branch decided whether or not to save the black man.

"Why should I?" Branch asked the man.

"For pitysakes, mine is a sentence of death." the black man said.

"No Branch! He is a mourner! Don't listen to him!" Aspen tried to reassure Branch.

"Set me free! I will show you a way out!" The black man said.

"Why should we?" Aspen threatened.

"If you do not, we are all dead men!" the black man said.

"No Branch! Branch for godsakes they're coming!" Aspen said as he tried to tell Branch.

The soldiers then arrived to kill Branch, Aspen, and the black man. As Branch cut the black man's chains off, they all escaped as Branch apologized to one of the prisoners he couldn't save.

The three of them ran through the sewers to escape finding an exit through a sewer entrance.

As they were all getting out of the sewers, the black man complimented Branch's way with the sword, as he finally smelt fresh air.

But as they were all getting out, Aspen got struck with an arrow by a guard who noticed them escaping.

"It's mortal. Leave me!" Aspen said to Branch.

"Give this ring to my sister Poppy. Swear you'll protect her for me!"" Aspen then gave a jewel-encrusted ring to Branch as he was dying.

"His wound is by the heart, we cannot save him!" the black man tried to tell Branch.

"Swear it Branch!" Aspen told Branch.

"I swear it."Branch swore to Aspen.

"They're coming!" the black man told Branch.

"Tell Poppy I died a free Englishman." Aspen said as he got up and went towards the soldiers.

As Branch tried to save him, the black man held him back so he wouldn't die. Aspen ran towards the guards with a sword being slaughtered to death by Turkish soldiers.

"Come my friend! Make your sacrifice and act of honor!" the black man told Branch.

As they were able to escape and hide, the black man found a grapefruit, broke it, and ate it. He offered a piece to Branch as Branch took it and ate it like a pig.

"Why did you cut me free Christian?" the black man asked.

"Whatever blood is in your veins, no man deserves to die in there." Branch told the black man.

"Farewell friend. Godspeed your way." Branch tried to say goodbye to the black man but the black man took his hand with such force that he had an iron grip on him.

"Our way lies together with the speed of Allah! You have saved my life Christian! I will stay with you until I save yours! That is my vow!" the black man said to Branch.

"Thanks! But I go to England! I relieve you of your obligation!" Branch said trying to leave as he thought he was crazy.

"Only Allah can do that!" the black man said almost threateningly.

"What if I say no?" Branch said.

"You have no choice! I am Cooper **(insert Arab gibberish here)** but you may call me Cooper. **"** Cooper said.

"Branch of Locksley." Branch introduced himself to Cooper.


	2. Chapter 2

Branch Hood: Prince of Troll Thieves

Ch. 2: Branch's Return

Trolls is owned by DreamWorks Pictures.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves is owned by Warner Bros. Pictures.

 _Locksley Castle, England 1130 A.D._

Night shifted and the moon was brightly pale. We then see Branch's father Richard of Locksley writes a letter to his someone who's close to his son. As Richard wrote in his thoughts:

"Kindest sir, tis rumor you forged through King Peppy's crusade with my beloved son Branch? I fear you have returned to desperate times, when dark forces plot against our absent king. I am anxious for word of my son. Were you present at his capture in Jerusalem? Do you know the name of the patentee that holds him? Does he still bear me ill will? A little news please sir, I would give all that I own for his release."

As he signed his name, he heard a man yelling and his servant come through the door.

"You should've waited! I'm sorry you were disturbed master!" the servant said.

"Duncan it's alright! Let him go!" Richard demanded of Duncan.

As he walked over to Richard, there was a sense of fear in his eyes.

"They've taken my daughter!" the scared man said.

"Whom if I may be mistaken?" Richard interrupted.

"Men on horses! In masks! We tried to stop them! But my son is... dead!" the scared man shouted.

As Richard took his sword, he immediately knew what the frightened man was talking about but Duncan was pleading with him to stay:

"Master, stay! There is an evil moon tonight!" Duncan pleaded.

"Never fear Duncan! Good will overcome! Trust in that!" Richard reassured him.

As they opened the gates, both Richard and Duncan noticed men in white robes and masks carrying torches and swords.

"I'm sorry my lord! We had no choice!" the frightened man said betraying both Richard and Duncan.

Their leader turned out to be Creek, Sheriff of Nottingham as he unveiled himself from his mask.

"YOU!" Richard said, shocked.

"Locksley." Creek said with a fake smile.

"The king shall hear of this!" Richard yelled.

"Join us." Creek said again with a fake smile.

"Never." Richard refused.

"Join us or die." Creek said with a slimy face.

"GONE WITH KING PEPPY!" Richard battlecried.

As he tried to kill Creek, all of Creek's soldiers killed him with their torches and swords.

 _(Four months later)_

As Branch returned home, he basked in the wet sea sand and said:

"Home. Thank you lord. I'M HOME! I'M HOME!" he said with a big happy smile on his face as he made sea angels in the sand.

"You are strange, Christian." Cooper said with his thick African accent.

"Yes! But I'm free! And now I beg you to free yourself to go avow! Return with your boat! I know how it feels to be so far away from family." Branch said.

"Because I love them so much, I cannot dishonor them." Cooper said.

"I'd thought you'd say that." Branch said.

As Cooper heard a footstep behind him, he took down the man behind him that was trying to attack him. The other men tried to attack Cooper but didn't because of how lethal he is.

"No man controls my destiny! Especially not one who attacks downward and stinks of garlic!" Cooper said pissed off.

"Come Cooper! Our fighting days are done! By nightfall, we will celebrate with my father!" Branch said as Cooper took his hand with him.

"You understand of course, I had to try!" Branch said in his British accent.

"I would have succeeded." Cooper joked as Branch laughed.

We then switch to a later part in the day where Branch and Cooper are walking and talking.

"Why must you walk back of me?" Branch asked so curiously.

"In your country, am I not the infidel? It seems safer to be walking as your slave rather than your equal." Cooper questioned.

"You know for an infidel, you have a common clarity of thinking that you tell me nothing of yourself? For instance, your name? Cooper? What does it mean?" Branch curiously asked.

"It means "great one"." Cooper explained

"Great one? Really? Did you give yourself this name?" Branch joked as Cooper didn't take it too fondly.

"Hehehe... it's a joke!" Branch explained to Cooper.

"Cooper "the great one!" I am home!" Branch yelled into the distance.

"Look! Mistletoe! Many of maids lost a resolve to me thanks to this little plant!" Branch told Cooper as Cooper suddenly stopped.

"In my country, we talk to our women, we do not drug them with plants!" Cooper yelled to Branch.

"What do you know of women?" Branch questioned.

"Where I come from Christian, there are women of such beauty that they can possess a man's mind so that he'd be willing to die for them." Cooper smiled and said.

"Wait! Is that why you were to be executed? Because of a woman?" Branch asked and laughed.

"That's it! That's it!" Branch said and laughed at the same time.

"It is close to sunset!" Cooper said.

"Wait! Who was it? The mullah's daughter? Huh? Another man's wife? What's her name?" Branch pestered.

"Is there no sun in this cursed country?! Which way is east?" Cooper yelled as he was getting fed up.

"Her name?" Branch smiled and pestered.

"EAST!" Cooper shouted.

"Her name?" Branch demanded.

"Yasmina!"Cooper shouted again.

"That way." Branch said as he pointed straight.

"You are sure?" Cooper asked, as he wasn't sure.

"I would know blindfolded, I'm five miles away from home." Branch reassured Cooper.

As Cooper sat down to pray to Allah, Branch asked:

"Was she worth it?"

"Worth dying for." Cooper said as he was getting annoyed.

As Cooper was still praying and Branch looked into the distance, he watched a boy run from Creek's guards.

"Your dogsmeat son, you know that?" one of the guards yelled to the boy.

"We're not playing by the rules boy! Deer don't climb trees! Perhaps he thinks he's a gamebird." Creek's second-in-command said as everybody laughed.

"Wanna teach him to fly? Get him down!" Creek's second-in-command said as the guards yelled "yeah!"

"Hold! I'm curious as to what man or creature so fearsome that it takes six men to attack it?" Branch asked.

"Stranger! This is no affair of yours!" Creek's second-in-command said.

"Will it retrieve the devil himself? Lemme see... Hahaha... small boy, a truly dangerous animal!" Branch asked and laughed.

"This boy killed one of the Sheriff of Nottingham's deer!" Creek's second in command said.

"We're starving! We needed the meat!" the boy said.

"Look! I advise you to move on pilgrim! This is the Sheriff's land!" Creek's second-in-command threatened.

"Wrong! This is my land and my tree therefore whatever's in also belongs to me!" Branch retaliated.

"Might I have the pleasure of your name before I have you run through?" Creek's second-in-command threatened again.

"Branch of Locksley." Branch said.

"Well well Locksley... welcome home!" Creek's second-in-command whispered.

"Kill him!" Creek's second-in-command ordered.


End file.
